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St. Patrick's Day... a night of no celebration just realization [18 Mar 2008|02:08am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

ive come to the conclusion of alot of things the past few days.. being in bedrest there was really nothing else to do other than watch lifetime and stare at my ceiling.. last night. i had a panic attack. my first real panic attack. and i hope i never have one again.. i started to get really sharp pains in my stomach which i thought was the steak that i ate earlier not sitting well. but then the pain got to the point where i was uncomfortable. my throat was soo soar all day which didnt help my breathing. as the pains worsened i started having trouble breathing. it was like a game. trying so hard to to just come up from air as though i was draining in water... i started to freak out and thankfully iw as with my mom. and we rushed home. i almost fell out of the car. barely making it to my front door. with the pain in my back and my stomach i was bent over almost crawling on the floor. soon as i got into my house i tried as hard as i could to run to my room. i just wanted to lay down. i thought it would help. but before i could even make it to my room. i clasped. and stopped breathing. i was rushed to the er. where they told meh i had a severe panic attack and my body shut down which caused me clasped. NEVER AGAIN.. do i want that to happen. i seriously thought i was going to die... it scared the shit out of me and my poor mother.. crying. screaming asking me if i was okay. i could not hear her nor see her that well. when i opened my eyes apparently all that was seen was white...
the panic attack was lend on by stress.. awesome... when i thought i was stress free i had an obviously wake up call.

so basically i have to stay away from stress and drama which means my social life is over.
but i know EXACTLY what has caused it. and it alittle to do with my back with the pain that i have been in and the frustration of not being able to move. but its been things building up.. things that i didnt even think about. things that now... bother me.

but for some reason.. it opened my eyes to things that i have not seen before...

back to the beginning of my story. being on bedrest i thought alot about things. and i think its made me a stronger person. im not going to shout out exactly what i realized but with that said. things are going to start changing in my life..

i know who my true friends are..- ive had alot of friends in my life. some of which i lost contact with for varies reasons and other i just did not have a connection with, our interests and ideas on things faded and we grew apart...

they say that in college you meet the friends that will be there at your wedding.. friends that you can call 10 years down the road and it was like yesterday that you saw them.. friends that you will always be in contact with.. friends that you grow such a great bond. that nothing will break you from each other..

as a junior in college. my freshman year was a joke.. looking back. i was friends with everyone. friends with everyone for the wrong reasons.. two years later.. some of them have stayed the right reason..! and im soo thankful i have them in my life..
not just in college do i feel this way about friends... things have started to come to my knowledge.!!!
with getting into an accident with my back and having a panic attack its those who have stayed there helping me in everyway.. aways being there for me when i needed them. calling make sure i was okay..! i never asked them too. but it was known that i could call them. and it was even said.. and im soo thankful that i have them as friends.. and i guess what im trying to get at.. is that the past few years.. actually my whole life ive had friends. i think i was childish to have choosen who i did to be my friend. and as of now. im sorry but they dont mean anything to me anymore.. they are a distant memory to a scrapbook of learning experiences.. ive grown up. things that might have meant something to me or was funny to me before. arent anymore. i need something real in my life.

i see things clearer now. and with that said.. i know how i am going to go forth..
so with my ending sentence i would like to say that. to those that i have been friends with for awhile. you meant soemthing to meh in the past and some of you still mean something to me. but to those friends recently who have been there for me. thank you..!! you mean the world to meh.

so ill leave it at that. and goodnight <3

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i really cant. i wish this night never happened [11 Mar 2008|02:43am]
[ mood | blank ]

i know this is like my third entry of the night.. but i had to vent and what better way than to vent on the internet so the whole world can see your emotional thoughts.

so here is my story.. i just reviewed my transcript for college and went down the list of classes that I still have to take in order to double major in both art history and drawing and painting.. in the beginning everything was fine EXCEPT for this two sentence statement in extremely small print saying i need to take all these bull shit classes that i had no idea i needed to take. which by the way i should thank my advisor for not informing me of this information.

so after now being informed at like 2 o'clock in the morning that not only do i have to stay at purchase for another semester (in which i thought was all i had to stay for) but now i have to stay for probably a year to a year and a half. which is such bullshit. I took soo many damn classes that were completely unnecessary. but i was told that they were considered gen eds and i had to take them. WTF! totally not true.

okay so now that is out of the way..

i decided to make my life more miserable and look up two of the graduate school I would and will attend (not both just one, have not decided which one yet) it comes down to two school Pratt Institute or Rhode Island School of Design. So my stupid ass self to make my life more complicated, I requested catalogs from both colleges as well as a catalog for the summer session. cause why not, more classes i can enroll myself in.

so basically the moral of the story is..
- the bad side: i am going to be in school till i am about 30 years old.
- the good side: i am going to study what I love and have passion for until im 30

sidenote - i seriously dont think i can take even one more year of college i think the last three were enough. and just think my future with holds another 5 years<3 ... i might as well become a doctor. ill be in school same amount of year..!! --- possible transfer idea..... up in the air.. maybe...??? something to think about
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a challenge... what a challenge [10 Mar 2008|09:15pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

im getting so frustrated these days.. not only am i on bed rest but i agreed to design EVERYTHING for this play titled the Fantasticks. which in tales uhmm.. lets see the poster, the flyer, the play bill, the props, the scenes and anything in between. i thought i could do it all but apparently all my ideas are amazing and the producer loves them HOWEVER.. there is always something that could be added or changed..
even though the play is in may, i do but also i do not have that much time.. i just wish i could get it all done and have it be perfect the way the producer wants it.

the true challenge is.. how am i going to get my academic work done as well as these designs done with an injury which enables me to walk!!!
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may angels lead you in...... [10 Mar 2008|04:45pm]
[ mood | sad ]

as i was looking through a friends live journal i noticed that he posted an rip to grayson.

i want to dedicate this entry to grayson. he is an amazing person, with an amazing personality, and a talented dancer. its sad to think that he left us so early in our lives and all i have to hold on to are the memories he left behind.

angels led him to a better place

grayson.. i miss you. your friends all miss you, and i wish you were still here but at the same time. i understand why you choose the path you did. i wish you the best on your journey forth. and you will never be forgotten and there will not be one day that i will not think about you.. i hope you look down upon me and watch over me- be my angel. for i believe that you were put on this earth to make everlasting footprints in our hearts.

thanks for all the good times.. ill see you soon <3
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